What I see
by Sc00chin
Summary: If only Jimin could see what the world sees. If only Jimin could see what BTS sees. If only Jimin could see what Yoongi sees. ** or in other words. Jimin is struggling with is body image and mental illness and it begins to show. BTS are concerned but Yoongi is especially concerned.


Right, Hello, This is my first BTS Fic, so I hope you like it!

I don't know how often I will be updating this, but I have half of the second chapter done.

Trigger warnings: Depression and Eating Disorders as well as just not very happy themes.

CHAPTER 1: Late

Jimin would definitely be lying if he were to say that this life is what he has always wanted. To say the least, it isn't what he is expecting.

He has always loved to dance, so when his instructor recommended that he audition for an entertainment company, he did not expect to become apart of BTS: a 7 member boy band that people around the world have come to love.

To say that he isn't grateful would be and incredibly untrue and gross statement. He loves his fans and he loves the other members of the band. He is more than lucky to be able to have this experience. After all, not many people get to have the chance to feel what fame feels like.

It isn't what he has expected at all though- the emotions that he has always felt before seemed to only become more loud, almost deafening. It feels like he can't breath when he is in the spotlight and he can't hear ARMY scream their names at the top of their lungs when BTS get the opportunity to give the fans a concert.

After every meal they eat, whether he eats very little or more than maybe he should have. His mind is plagued with a horrible sticky voice that couldn't be his, a voice that has made a home in the signer's brain and refuses to leave.

 _Why would you eat that much?_

 _Do you even know how many calories that is? Carbs? Do you know anything?_

 _You are too overweight. What will everyone think of you?_

 _You are bringing down the team._

 _You are useless._

Of course, he hasn't meant to allow these voices to get to him. He knew he needs to be strong and for the most part, he knows a lot of them are for what they are, untrue.

The other members are always really good at complimenting each other, even he is really good at it. How could they not. They have all become some close over the past years, and now that they are working on their new album, love couldn't help be passed between the others. Compliments on new hair colors have been being passed around, especially on his new hair color, a very nice orange. He isn't sure how he is going to feel about the orange, he has heard from quite a bit of people that orange would never be a good looking color on anybody. Yet J-hope seemed to iste no time in telling him how handsome the other thinks he looks.

 _You're just saying that to make me feel better._

No... no... he knows that isn't true. Hoseok would never lie to him like that. He knows that Hoseok genuinely seems to love him, just as he seems to love everyone else. Even Yoongi's lingering eyes stayed on him for longer than he might normally look at the signer before he has mumbled out a,"You look good Jiminie."

 _ **"You look good Jiminie."**_

He picks those words apart as he stares at the man in the mirror. Brown eyes and bright orange hair and just _fat_ , fat everywhere...on his thighs, on his arms and on his stomach.

What part of him looks _good_. What does Yoongi and the others see in him that he can't? He doesn't have a small figure, not in the slightest and he can _see_ the way that his cheeks are plump and his jawline doesn't make the sharp cut like it should. He can see how the muscles on his arms have been disappearing as he stopped going to the gym every day- he hasn't the time between their schedule, practices and lessons-

 _ **Ping!**_

The sound makes the boy jump, although he instantly recognized it as the notification sound on his phone that sits safely in the pocket of his sweats.

He clicks the screen on. Light illuminates the room and his face, causing a slight blue glow to mark his features. 12:00 AM his clock reads, Jimin bites his lip, has he really been staring at himself that long? He is supposed to be down here practicing their new choreo, it is important to him that he gets it down right, as fast as he can...though knowing himself, he will never be able to get it quite right. The only other thing that he could do is to do his best and make sure that no matter what, he is at least putting in all of his energy into making it better.

Now then, who has texted him...with a couple swipes of his finger the messaging app appeared on the bright screen. He has 1 unread message from "Hobi". Jimin smiles at the thought of his roommate, the other has always been sure to be there for him. Even offering to stay late with him to help with choreography moves. Jimin has always been one to deny the offers though, from fear that it would be too much of a hassle for Hoseok. Not only that but the other dancer would force him to call it quits earlier than he might have on his own.

Again, just a tap on the phone is all that he needed so that he can be able to read what the other has sent him.

 _ **12:00 a m**_

 _ **Hobi**_

 _Hey Jimin-ah! I know that you are probably still out and practicing. I just thought I'd let you know that I have left the door unlocked for you and Jin left you some food in the fridge! Don't stay out too late. 3_

Jimins thumbs hover over the digital keypad on his phone, waiting for him to start writing something. He can't help but smile at the text.

 _ **12:03 a m**_

 _ **Jimin**_

 _Alright. Thank you Hyung, sleep well_.

After having sent his text he made sure to start to make his way towards the small speakers in the dance room. No point in waiting any longer, might as well get to practicing before he decides that it is too late and he won't be able to practice any longer.

With a flip of the switch and a click on his phone he has all of the music set up. Just have to set it on loop and everything would be ready for him to practice. If there is anything that helped Jimin escape for a while is his dancing. But as of late, things have changed, something changed and made things even harder for him to cope with it all. Perhaps it is the position that he is now in...with all eyes on him all them time. _Hell,_ he feels like the other band members always looking at him with _disgust._

Time flew by as he began to pick apart the dance he is trying to perfect. Although it is not the whole dance that he is working on...no, there is just a part of the dance that he finds himself focusing on, unable to take his eyes off of _every single step_ that he gets wrong. Everytime he did it, he swore, he faltered by a quarter of a beat, it isn't passionate enough, not smooth enough, his expression isn't controlled enough. He felt his breath become labored, as if his lungs were on fire as he continued to struggle to get this right...it _has_ to be right. It _has_ to be _perfect._

The more Jimin pushed himself the more he began to make more mistake and it only made the dancer angrier and angrier at his own appearance in the mirror. Why can't he get this right? He refuses to stop until he feels like he has reached a spot where he can say that he can dance with enough confidence on the stage right now. In fact, they plan to perform this song for the first time, after their album comes out, he needs to make sure it is perfect...if not for the band, then for ARMY and if not for ARMY, then for the band.

He feels himself begin to slip, every now and then his ankle would roll and he would almost fall over...almost. Sweat dripping down his cheeks and his hair sticks to his forehead, he could feel his chest struggle to keep up with him as he continued to push and push, until finally the song restarted again, how many times, not even an observer would be able to say. He felt his muscles give out and felt his weight collide with the floor. He closed his eyes tight, trying to let his breath catch up to him.

If it weren't for the music blasting in the dance room, he would have fallen right into slumber.

Yet the music stopped.

He opens his eyes looking right over to where his phone should be playing music, half expecting someone to be standing there, hoping that someone is there watching him with judging eyes. Yet, no one stood there. His phone must have died…

He huffs letting out some of his frustrations with that one breath, upset that his phone died. Thankfully, the walk from the studio to their dorm is not a far one. It is so late...or perhaps so early, no one would be out to notice him….don't get him wrong, he loves running into their fans, but right now, if someone found him in the state that he is in...he might have a small meltdown about it. Mostly because he tries to look as nice as he can for their fans. He knows that how he looks matters, even when Namjoon is on a V-live and he decides to interrupt...he hides his face if he doesn't have makeup on.

He roughly pushes himself to his feet, his muscles and his bones yelling at him not move, telling him that they are too tired and honestly, he should just sleep on the floor. Yet he knew he shouldn't stay out here. Jimin knows that if Hoseok or any of the others were to wake up and find that Jimin isn't where he should be, there would be a small panic among the others. Honestly? Jimin doesn't want to be more of a burden to the other members than he already is.

His walk outside goes just as he thought it would. The bitter cold reached him fast waking him up easily. The cold seemed to numb his sore body and cause his wet eyes to stay open in the dark. It must have rained while he danced- the city around him is damp in color, some people would call it drab and dreary. To Jimin though, it gave him life, the crisp smell brought a small smile to his face...if it would rain everyday, maybe he would feel a little better about- well- just about everything. It makes him feels fresh and clean. Not to mention the feeling of the cold bitter air entering his lungs made everything seem that much more- _alright.._. it is as if with every breath that he takes the cold air pushes out all the hot, sticky toxicity of his own mind.

His walk is short, just as he is expecting it to be, but in his mind he couldn't help but wish that it would last longer. He almost turned around to walk back to the studio so that he could make this trip twice in one night, just to enjoy this cool breeze. His body wouldn't allow that… he could feel the gravity of earth pulling him down to the ground- his muscles, almost too tired and too sore to hold him up. His hand slips into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out a singular bronze key. The key to their dorm, it felt warm to the touch from being pressed against his body all day, and it did not help that his skin chilled on the walk home. That made it easier to slide the key into the door in front of him.

With a quick twist of the key, Jimin pushes the door open and is greeted with the familiar scent of home. The dorm isn't anything to special, but it is fairly nice compared to what they have had before. Since they have become more popular, BTS has been able to gain more money for their company, the more the money for the company the more the company is able to take care of their idols. The building consisted of only a couple rooms. There of course is the living room; which is attached to the kitchen and to the doorway. From the living room there is a hallway that leads to the boy's bathrooms and bedrooms. They have two bathrooms, which is pretty reasonable considering that all seven of them live in this small building.

His eyes drift over to the table sitting just outside of the kitchen- on top of the kitchen table is a plate covered with seran wrap so that it would stay fresh and a note. Jimin made his way over the table, his eyes glancing over the chicken and salad meal, then to the note.

 _Jimin-ah!_

 _I hope you didn't work to hard! I figured you would be home late so I left your dinner out for you. If it is cold just stick it in the microwave for a little. Please eat up and rest well!_

 _-Your Hyung ~ Jin_

Jimin's eyes rest again on the food… and it felt like a rock began to form in his stomach- He gently picks up the plate and the note in his hands before walking over to the fridge to push the plate into it so that the food won't go bad. He will eat it later. As for the note he keeps it in his hands as he shuffles over to the room he shares with Hoseok. Jimin gently pushes open the door, careful to not wake up the sleeping boy inside...there have been times where he accidentally woke up J-hope and each time the dancer would scold him for being out so late.

Dropping all of his stuff on the nightstand he hopped right into his bed that sat next to it, not bothering to take off any of his clothes or switch into something more comfortable, he is just so tired.

Right, there it all is, I hope that you guys liked it! I am writing this more on my freetime, so it is just a little side project considering I don't write that much.

See you next chapter!


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